I still love Christmas. But since nearly 26 have passed since the first I celebrated only two and a half hours I was born, I’ve become a little more jaded. I blame a lot of things for this. Most of my frustrations can be summed up nicely by popular Christmas songs! So without further ado...
Ten Horrible Christmas Songs and Why I Hate Them:
2. “Baby, It’s Cold Outside”: Okay, THIS is actually the creepiest ever. What is UP with this song? It’s the date-rape of all Christmas music. (“Say, what’s in this drink?!”) Some dude guilt tripping a girl with obviously low resolve into staying with him because it’s a little chilly outdoors. (“Just think of my life-long sorrow... if you caught pneumonia and died!”) Please, that’s not why he wants her to stay. If her respiratory health truly WAS his main concern, would he really be offering her “just a cigarette more”?! No means no, dude. Call her a cab so she can get home to her overbearing and judgmental mother, father, sister, brother and maiden aunt.
3. “Simply Having a Wonderful Christmas Time”: Oh. My. WORD. Nothing makes my holiday road rage worse than when THIS song comes on the radio. Pointless lyrics, repetitive and unrelenting bass line, no melody whatsoever... Shoot me.
4. “My Favorite Things”: Especially any version that has been “jazzed up” (read: has a saxophone). Ew. Just don’t. Unless it’s the Julie Andrews version. Then okay.
5. “Silver Bells”: I used to love the tingling of the Salvation Army bells in front of our local Walgreens around the holidays. My mom used to hate them. I get it now. They are literally on every corner in the city, and they’re becoming more and more ubiquitous in the suburbs. I think there’s one in front of every drug and grocery store, AND the post office. I love the Salvation Army, don’t get me wrong, but maybe they could switch from bells to flashing LED lights?
7. “Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree”: This used to be one of my favorite Christmas songs ever. Every time it came on the radio, no matter what we were doing (unless we were driving, obviously), my mom and I would immediately start dancing. It’s actually pretty generous to call what we did “dancing.” It was really more of an awkward homeschooler jumping around while her 50-something-year-old mom “did the TWIST!” Once she sent her back out while doing the twist. Pretty committed if you ask me. I look back on these precious memories fondly, but to this day I cannot listen to that song without tearing up.
8. “It’s the Most Wonderful Time of the Year”: No, it’s not. For some people it’s the hardest, saddest, worst time of the year. And I’m not trying to be a downer, just trying to be real. I was not looking forward to my first Christmas without my mama. Each successive Christmas has gotten better, sure, but every time I hear this song, I cringe. I think about all the friends I have who will be experiencing their first Christmas without the loved on they lost. I think of all the brave military families who are flooded with loneliness and worry when they see the empty seats around the dinner table. I think of those with terminal illnesses who wonder if this will be their very last Christmas. I think of the less fortunate moms and dads who are made by our over-commercialized society to feel like crap because they can’t afford “any extras” like decorations, toys, candy or new clothes this year. I think about all the clerks and cashiers earning minimum wage at the mall who have to deal with stressed, cranky shoppers who ignore them at best and treat them like servants at worst.
9. “Rudolph, the Red-Nosed Reindeer”: Nothing says “people have to earn your love and acceptance” than a story about a helpful little reindeer who was shunned by his peers for being different. Thank goodness the most popular guy in school saw the value in little Rudolph, for it was only after he had SAVED Christmas that “all the reindeer loved him.” Isn’t this the time to be more generous with our love? Let’s spread it, people.
10. “You’re a Mean One, Mr. Grinch”: Nah. I just kidding. I love this song. And Boris Karloff.